


Retrospection

by MsSpaceAce



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Morality | Patton Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, Multi, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 13:40:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17366894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsSpaceAce/pseuds/MsSpaceAce
Summary: After a stressful day, Patton plans on unwinding by looking back and reliving some old memories. What he doesn't plan on is the emotional turmoil that ensues.





	Retrospection

**Author's Note:**

  * For [simonspeaks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/simonspeaks/gifts).



All was fine in the mindscape, all as it should be.

 

Having juggled the stress of finishing the newest video on top of planning another date with his new partner, Thomas was, in all senses of the word, exhausted. The rest of the sides were too, having called it a night hours ago. Except for one.

 

Patton had curled up on the couch, sorting through the memories of the past three weeks, blind and deaf to the world around him. A small, warm smile played across his lips as he remembered the wonderful first, then second, dates, the wonderful feeling of chemistry and love blossoming in his chest. He chuckled as he remembered the witty jokes the gentleman had cracked, his quick and cheesy humor endearing the sides and Thomas in the blink of an eye. 

 

They all couldn't wait for the next time he got to see him, and Patton found himself fantasizing about things they could do together in the future. He made a mental note to share these with Roman later. The overly romantic side would be overjoyed to have a partner-in-crime in coming up with ideas.

 

But something still bothered Patton, dark memories that floated at the edges of his thoughts. He tried not to, but he still found himself pulling them forward, and what he found made his stomach twist.

 

The dark memories were of past relationships, ones that had started as nicely as this one but had fallen apart, leaving Thomas heartbroken and alone.

 

The warmth in Patton's chest slowly died out, turning into something resembling frustration and sadness as he compared the memories over and over again. Were... were they all like this? Was Thomas always doomed to, to fail at love? Was Roman to be broken, over and over again as his dreams were crushed? Was Logan to falter, over and over again, as each ruined plan and schedule, every show, book, or movie that Thomas had enjoyed with his partner. was a not-so-gentle reminder of the person Thomas had lost? Was Virgil, poor, poor Virgil, forced to overcome his fresh fears of rejection that only grew more and more with each failure, until he saw the whole thing as fruitless and convinced Thomas to give up? Logan would agree if he saw the pattern, but would Roman object to that, or would he too accept the whole venture as a failure, a damned failure? 

 

Was it Patton himself who was the problem?  Was he making Thomas too… emotional? Outlandish? Was he scaring them away by going too fast? Was there something wrong in his actions? His reactions?

 

(It dimly occurred to him that he was curled up too tightly on the couch, his knees tucked painfully under his chin, his hands clamped tightly to his temples, his eyes, full of tears, staring at nothing.)

 

His mind ran in circles, reexamining memories, emotions, coming up with nothing but failure until it became a litany.

 

_ Failure. Failure. Nothing but failures, I’m a failure, I’m a failure… _

 

“Patton? Patton, are you okay?”

 

A blurry face appeared  in front of him, and it took a few blinks for Patton to realize who the violet eyes staring back at him were.

 

“Oh, hey kiddo,” He choked out, forcing a smile onto his face. “Virgil… you’re supposed to be asleep.” Patton tried to relax his legs and arms, make himself seem like the cheerful, happy-pappy Patton he was supposed to be, but he found himself stuck.

 

_ You’re failing Virgil. You’re a failure. _

 

“Yeah, well, so are you.” Virgil grunted as he knelt down next to Patton on the couch. “May I?” He asked quietly, taking Patton’s hands in his own after he got a small nod. The small circles he rubbed on the back of his knuckles were soothing, but not enough to stave off the thoughts that engulfed Patton.

 

“Um… damn, I’m not very good at this, but… can you tell me what’s bothering you?” Virgil asked.

 

Patton shook his head. “It’s nothing--”

 

“Bullshit.” Virgil snapped back, then winced. “Sorry, but… you are kinda bullshitting me. Please be honest.” His eyes shone with worry, and that made Patton’s insides twist even more.

 

“I’m okay, really,” Patton reassured, “I’m just… worried. About Thomas, and… all this stuff that’s going on right now, and...”

 

He spilled everything. Every thought, fear, and tear for what seemed like forever until it was all out and all Patton seemed to have left were gasping sobs.

 

“Patton…” Another blurry form settled on the floor next to Virgil, adjusting his glasses as he did so. “The chances of this  romantic endeavor ending in heartbreak yet again are extremely slim, next to none--”

 

“But what if it does? What if--”

 

“Then we’ll just have to try harder next time.” A third blurry shape muscled his way between Logan and Virgil, a determined smile set into his face. “And, eventually, love shall prevail. Pat, just because we’ve had a few missteps doesn’t mean that we’re outright failures, y’know.”

 

“There are many reasons a relationship falls apart,” Logan interjected, “stress, distance between partners, incompatible work schedules, loss, change of emotional state, things once found endearing become unbearable--”

 

“Lo, I think he gets the point, thanks.” Virgil snapped. “Look, we’ve all grown a lot in the past year or so, none more so than you. And failures don’t grow. You’re not a failure, Patton.”

 

Patton looked between the three of them, from Roman’s resolute expression, to Logan’s worried one, then finally to Virgil, who had a understanding look in his eye. 

 

_ They’re liars,  _ a voice in the back of his mind whispered.  _ Caring,  _ idiotic  _ liars. They don’t know how things work like you do, they don’t know Thomas like  _ you  _ do. They’re wrong, you’re still a failure, failure, failure-- _

 

Patton rubbed his eyes, then tried to smile for them. “Thanks, kiddos.” He rasped quietly. “I feel… much better now, promise.”

 

That was a lie, and he hated himself for it,  but it seemed to work on Roman. He beamed, then wriggled his way between Virgil and Logan, leaping onto the couch to land next to Patton. “Okay, with that great big nasty hullabaloo nearing its conclusion, I say we end today with a sleepover!” He emphasized the last word by grabbing Patton around the midsection and pulling him in for a quick hug, squeezing tight. “What'dya say guys?”

 

Virgil and Logan weren’t so easily convinced. Patton saw them exchange concerned looks, a conversation in half a second before Virgil shrugged. Logan sighed, adjusting his glasses. “I’m sure there’s no harm in it.” 

 

With a flick of his wrist, a large amount of blankets piled around the four with a heavy  _ thump! _  Another flick, and a bucket of popcorn appeared between Patton and Roman while the telltale melody of a Disney movie played out on the TV.

 

“It’s Tangled.” Logan murmured, settling next Roman and leaning into his shoulder. His eyes were already fluttering closed, and soon he began to lightly snore.

 

Virgil clambered up to sit next to Patton, curling up inside his hoodie and tucking his knees under his chest.  As Patton relaxed back into the couch, he felt cold fingers wrap around his own. Jumping slightly, he turned to see Virgil looking at him intensely. “You know you can talk to us if you’re worried about something. You don’t have to fake it and  _ lie  _ to make us feel better.”

 

Patton felt something twist in his stomach yet again. Again, a flurry of thoughts flew through his mind.

 

“I… I know, Virge. But I’m alright now, promise… We’ll talk about this later with Thomas, but for now let’s just watch the movie, okay?”

 

Patton could still see bits of uncertainty in Virgil’s eyes, but for now he seemed satisfied as he he shifted his gaze from Patton to the TV.

 

Patton followed suit, and soon found himself lost in the movie. 


End file.
